‘You can’t make this s#&% up’

1Niki Doyle • 13th Dec 2008 • Scannerland

Rules for thieves:
1) Don’t steal from a police station.
2) Don’t return to the scene of the crime.
3) Be damn sure that whoever you’re stealing from isn’t a cop.

I witnessed one alleged criminal who obviously hasn’t read the rules, because she managed to violate all three at once. A SWAT team officer was standing at the front desk at the police station when a woman slipped by him and walked back to the jail. She left the building, apparently going to her car, and came back to use the restroom.

A few minutes later, several officers were searching the desk for his cell, which had mysteriously disappeared. After jokingly accusing me (can’t trust those conniving reporters, eh?), they cornered the woman who had slipped by earlier. This conversation followed:

Officer: “Ma’am, you haven’t seen a cell phone up here, have you?”
Woman (who was talking on a cell phone): “No, no.”
Officer: “So you didn’t take a phone from up here?”
Woman: “No.”
Officer: “Ma’am, where are you parked?”
Woman: “Outside. Why?”
Officer: “Well, if you didn’t see a phone, then you wouldn’t mind me checking your car, right?”
Woman: “I, uh, yeah, I found a phone up here and I thought someone lost it so I took it out to my car and I was going to find out whose it was.”

Several officers follow the woman to her car. A few minutes later, they return — and she’s in cuffs. The victim officer and another officer return from the jail, shaking their heads. The officers, of course, have to tell this story to everyone who walks in the front door. “You can’t make this s#&% up,” as one officer said.

The arresting officer couldn’t quite grasp this one either. “Who does that?!” Good question. Read the rules next time, lady.